What does passion mean to you?
As coaches, we talk a lot about passion — not only as a driving force for achievement but also as a necessary element for happiness. But does everyone’s happiness depend on an abundance of passion? I know a few people who are passionate but not really happy. “Passion” just as “happiness” represent something intangible and, therefore, are extremely subjective. It may mean different things to different people. So, if passion comes up in a coaching session, it may be wise to start by asking our clients, “What does “passion” mean to you?” And just be curious and listen…
What not to ask your new coaching client
There are a lot of questions that coaches ask, thinking that it may help them know their clients better. One of these questions is: “What are you passionate about?” Some clients may like this question and respond readily and others may feel very uncomfortable — as “passion” may not be part of their active vocabulary. Instead of asking questions of this sort, I prefer to ask a new client to share with me anything they think might be good for me to know to gain a deeper understand of them – which ultimately will make our coaching relationship more effective. And, as they share with me, I’ll ask questions that feel right in the moment, fit their vocabulary, and make sense in the flow of our conversation. But most of all… I listen…
Is establishing a coaching agreement necessary at the start of every session?
First, what is a coaching agreement? It is simply an agreement between coach and client about the work they are going to do together and the benefits the client is looking to get. I feel it is imperative to establish it at the beginning of every coaching session.
When we are talking about a masterful coaching, we must first establish what constitutes “coaching”. There are must be specific guidelines that separate coaching from other modalities — and I feel that creating a coaching agreement is one of those important guidelines. It is especially imperative — as other related professions use similar skill sets. Therefore, it would be a mistake to think that just because we listened deeply, mirrored back what our client said, and asked good questions, that those actions alone would constitute a successful coaching session. It would also be erroneous to think that “it’s coaching” as long as our client benefited from the session. People benefit from talking to a good friend, a priest, a rabbi, their therapist, or a social worker. So, to call ourselves professional coaches, we must establish a coaching agreement. It honors and encourages the client’s ability to determine what would be most useful to work on. It gets them to take charge and to be responsible. However, establishing an agreement doesn’t mean that we necessarily must have a “topic” or shoot for specific “results.” Even though we usually do have a coaching topic and shoot for results, a masterful coach can establish an open-ended coaching agreement by simply mirroring what she heard or intuited to be her client’s desire for the session. An example of such an agreement could be: “It sounds as though you’d like to spend our time sharing with me and speaking your mind about this issue. Is that so?”
Copyright © 2012 Marianna Lead All Rights Reserved in All Media
Coaching & Training: Accountability versus Babysitting
Years ago, I had a client who was furious at me –claiming that I didn’t hold her “accountable” and didn’t make sure she took the action steps she was supposed to take. Even back then, I didn’t stand for her attitude –and, basically, we ended up “firing” each other. But, it didn’t feel good at all and I still think about that experience…
Today, I have a very different understanding about what it means to hold our clients accountable. There is a big difference between that and serving as some sort of taskmaster or babysitter. As ICF coaches, we view our clients as “whole, creative and resourceful”. To treat them like children by insistently asking, “Did you do this as you said you would?” is a mistake. Instead, we must simply ask our clients what support, if any, they might need, as well as gently check in – when appropriate – with, “So, how is that coming along?”
I don’t think that our clients are looking for another parent or a babysitter. And, I suspect, the clients who do, may need therapy more than coaching. So, whenever a new coaching prospect starts drilling me on how good I am at holding my clients accountable, a red flag is immediately raised in my mind. That’s just my 2 cents.
Coaching Niches: Leadership Coaching versus Life Coaching
The coaching industry offers many niches. We have life coaching, relationship coaching, communication coaching, leadership coaching, executive coaching, and many more. On the surface it may seem that all these categories offer more clarity for people who are looking for specific results. However, they also create artificial ‘separators’ in our understanding of what coaching actually does.
I believe that coaching serves the whole person and not just a fragmented part of a person — and that all types of coaching include a very personal and intimate conversation about values, ideals, and being authentic. We also talk about relationships and how we communicate with one another, so that we can relate our values and ideals in an authentic way, which many times calls for improving communication skills.
Whether I work with entrepreneurs, business owners, middle managers, or senior executives, after trust is established in our professional relationship, they tend to share other aspects of their lives outside of their careers.
The coaching goal is not to dissect and look at only one narrow aspect. For instance, leadership coaching overlaps with life coaching a great deal. Every person must learn to be a leader in his/her own life — and every leader must lead from the perspective of his/her own sense of authentic values.
We can’t be blind to ways in which all the elements come together in our lives. Coaching is meant to broaden one’s thinking, deepen one’s feelings, and connect the dots in one’s whole life to make sense and bring joy.
Relationship Metaphors in Coaching
I love creating these “situational metaphors” that quickly illustrate particular situations my clients are going through — allowing me to present a different perspective without making them defensive or making me come off as an “expert.”
For instance, one of my clients was holding onto a relationship she knew wasn’t healthy for her, because it was her first serious relationship; her first “grown-up” love.
I said, “It sounds as if though you discovered this great candy store and immediately were attracted to this brightly-colored lollipop — and didn’t get a chance to see the rest of the store, which was full of great, tasty, and much more sophisticated candy. What comes up for you when I say that? ”
Do you have any coaching metaphors you’d like to share?
Attention and Intention in Coaching
How effective is intention without attention? To what extent are these two concepts connected and dependent on one another? If we have an intention but don’t follow through with it, it means that it’s lacking attention. Attention is our focus — our mental and emotional energy. Without that energy, intention is dead. On the other hand, attention alone is not directed to anything. It’s like an empty vessel. We need to know what to direct our attention towards. That’s where our intention comes into play. Intention is the meaning and the engine that moves us forward to where we intend to go. Intention gives us the direction. So, in that sense, the intention can be viewed as something we define when we ask our clients what they want to work on as we establish our coaching agreement. And attention is that space of mental energy and focus that is provided during our coaching sessions.
NLP, Coaching & Training: Getting Ourselves in an Optimum State
What is an “optimum state”? It’s a state of mind that you are in when you are “in the flow” or “in the zone”; a state of mind you find yourself in, when you accomplish things in an effortless way, and it feels as if “it was meant to be”. The question is, can we get there by will, consciously placing ourselves in that “winning” state of mind?
If we could do that, we could go for any interview, participate in any debate, take on any challenge without later on thinking back about what we could have said or done, because we would have said and done the exact “right” things in the moment when the opportunity presented itself right there and then. There would be no regrets, only the wins. We would be able to demonstrate our abilities and skills in the best possible light; we would be able to be extremely productive and more valuable. So, can we do that by will and if so, how?
One of the ways of doing it, is with NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) technique.
1. Access the feeling associated with that state of mind
2. Intensify it as much as you can (by imagining all the details of one of the events that had caused you to feel this way in the past)
3. Let go of the event and just keep focusing on the feeling allowing yourself to experience it fully and powerfully.
4. Anchor it by placing your hand on one of your knees, or on your chest, or by putting your thumb and forefinger together – whichever feels more natural to you
5. Whenever you want to get yourself in that state of mind, just doing #4 should be able to do the trick. If it’s not working, you must choose a different trigger, meaning, a different event that would create a more moving, more empowering feeling within you, and repeat the steps.
If you know of any other ways of accessing your optimum state, please share.:)
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Copyright © 2012 by Marianna Lead & www.GoalImageryInstitute.com All Rights Reserved in All Media.
Coaching & Training: Philosophical Distance
I was reading some psychology literature and encountered this term “philosophical distance”. I really like that as a concept. It sounds much better than “being an observer”. But, essentially, that’s what it is. However, it adds something to the concept of an observer. You are observing with a deeper quality in mind; you are observing from a philosophical distance. Observing doesn’t have to mean to be void of emotions or void of judgment. It depends on the emotions and on the type of judgment. And, as we take on being philosophical about it – then little things that ordinarily drive us up the wall, would look and feel meaningless and small from a larger, more philosophical perspective. Our feelings and our judgments are good to notice. That’s the first step in being able to shift them. And, often enough, when we look at things from a philosophical distance, that shift happens instantly. What are your thoughts on that?
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Copyright © 2012 by Marianna Lead & www.GoalImageryInstitute.com All Rights Reserved in All Media.
Ways of Teaching: Rules or Anarchy?
When people register for trainings -whether it’s hypnotherapy, coaching or any other modality – they expect a solid set of rules they can follow. I always believed that rules are the spine of any teaching. However, as important as they are, we should be allowed to swerve from the rules upon our judgment. Especially in trainings that are not based on strictly analytical thinking and math, feeling that you can be innovative and creative is a necessary ingredient and one of the rules in itself. As Carl Jung once put it, “It’s almost a rule that I don’t want to make too many rules.”
From the very beginning, from the very first class – no matter what training you are signing up with me for – I tell my students that we must be flexible to some degree about applying the rules and that rules are created for our benefit. I warn against putting yourself in a proverbial practitioner’s prison of rules to follow. Go ahead and change them! My only request, if you want to change a rule, do it consciously and be able to explain your rational behind it. This way, we are not encouraging anarchy, but we are encouraging independent thinking, imagination, and creativity. All of which may contribute to creating a new rule or maybe even a new theory! Most important, it warrants great learning.
Join our LinkedIn ICF Coach Mentors and Mentees Group for exciting discussions about coaching & training techniques.
Copyright © 2012 by Marianna Lead & www.GoalImageryInstitute.com All Rights Reserved in All Media.