Building a Coaching Vocabulary
I believe that coaching is a new language. In order to learn that language and build a coaching vocabulary, at the beginning of my coach training classes, I ask my students to memorize coaching questions and coaching responses. Along with that, we use role playing to simulate a variety of coaching situations. Once we build our vocabulary, the true power behind these questions and words may and will be revealed only when they are being personalized by the coach. However, to make that language “your own” takes time. And when the time comes for my students to coach real people, I ask them to forget everything they’ve learned and trust that their deep listening and deep caring will bring about the right response without them having to consciously search for it.The danger to watch out for is for coaches to hold on to these responses and questions as a child holds on to their safety blanket for too long. When a coach clings to these memorized questions, these type of questions will stick out like a sour thumb, feel out of place and may be foreign to the language their client can naturally relate to, which may result in lack of trust. When we train people to coach, we must be careful to set that expectation for their own “freedom” — letting them know that what they must learn at the beginning will and must become their second nature after they practice for some time; and their coaching language will become a language they speak fluently without having to look up words in a proverbial “coaching dictionary”. What are your best practices for building your coaching vocabulary?
Copyright 2013 © Marianna Lead. All Rights Reserved in All Media.
Coaching on Number 13?
Welcome to 2013! Do you expect helping your clients to overcome the number 13 superstition this year? Do you yourself have some trepidations about having to live with number 13 for a whole year ahead?
In a nation that has omitted 13th floors from buildings and 13th rows from airplanes, and even has a word for this fear (“triskaidekaphobia”), facing this fear is unavoidable now — whether we want it or not. We can’t invite our secretary, like President Franklin D. Roosevelt used to do, to make sure that there won’t ever be “thirteen” guests. This number is here to stay with us for a whole year. Every day when we look at the calendar or type up a date, it’ll end in number 13. Ironically, I just checked my LinkedIn group, “ICF Coach Mentors and Mentees”, and 13 people joined the group on the first day of this New Year.
The meaning of the number 13 is both about endings and new beginnings. That makes sense, since every beginning denotes the end of something else. So, to the new beginnings and a wonderful year ahead!
Copyright © Marianna Lead. All Rights Reserved in ALL Media.
When “Powerful Coaching Questions” are Truly Powerful and When They’re Not
What makes powerful coaching questions so powerful? Sometimes coaches get so carried away asking “powerful coaching questions” prior to thoroughly establishing trust, understanding where our clients are, and learning their vocabulary. I believe if we truly want our questions to be powerful, we need to ask them when our clients are ready to hear them. We also need to use the kind of words and phrases our clients can relate to. That takes getting to know your client first. Otherwise, even the most “powerful” question falls flat and is not powerful at all. When we take a coaching course, these questions are a great learning tool and they sound awesome out of context. However, when using them with clients, we need to trust that the “right” question will come up when we commit to being in the moment. And when we force these “powerful” questions, they feel contrived and almost superficial. They often stick out like a sore thumb, feel out of place and are often foreign to the language their client can relate to. It also results in lack of trust between you and your client. So, to ask a powerful coaching question – stay in the moment and listen deeply. The right — and most powerful — questions will generally come out organically. And the question that is the most powerful for one person in a given moment, may be totally ineffective for another. What are your thoughts?
Copyright © Marianna Lead. All Rights Reserved in ALL Media.
Passion v. Inner Peace: Is passion a necessary attribute of happiness?
Many coaches believe that passion for what you do, passion that gives meaning to your life – is a necessary attribute of happiness. However, to feel deeply about something and to be passionate about it, are not necessarily one and the same. When we experience our lives as having significance and meaning, we often experience a sense of inner peace — as opposed to the energized feeling of being passionate about something. That inner peace comes from knowing deeply within that we are doing what we are supposed to do in life — that we are living out our “life’s purpose.” It could be as ambitious as running a huge business or being totally satisfied being a mom and growing a family. We all determine and define our own happiness. “Passion” is at the top of the emotional scale. We don’t feel “passion” all the time, even as we do a job or a task we totally adore. We just feel good. We experience inner peace — a sense of wholeness, and truly being in the moment… What are your thoughts?
Copyright © 2012, Marianna Lead. All Rights Reserved in ALL Media.
What does passion mean to you?
As coaches, we talk a lot about passion — not only as a driving force for achievement but also as a necessary element for happiness. But does everyone’s happiness depend on an abundance of passion? I know a few people who are passionate but not really happy. “Passion” just as “happiness” represent something intangible and, therefore, are extremely subjective. It may mean different things to different people. So, if passion comes up in a coaching session, it may be wise to start by asking our clients, “What does “passion” mean to you?” And just be curious and listen…
What not to ask your new coaching client
There are a lot of questions that coaches ask, thinking that it may help them know their clients better. One of these questions is: “What are you passionate about?” Some clients may like this question and respond readily and others may feel very uncomfortable — as “passion” may not be part of their active vocabulary. Instead of asking questions of this sort, I prefer to ask a new client to share with me anything they think might be good for me to know to gain a deeper understand of them – which ultimately will make our coaching relationship more effective. And, as they share with me, I’ll ask questions that feel right in the moment, fit their vocabulary, and make sense in the flow of our conversation. But most of all… I listen…
Is establishing a coaching agreement necessary at the start of every session?
First, what is a coaching agreement? It is simply an agreement between coach and client about the work they are going to do together and the benefits the client is looking to get. I feel it is imperative to establish it at the beginning of every coaching session.
When we are talking about a masterful coaching, we must first establish what constitutes “coaching”. There are must be specific guidelines that separate coaching from other modalities — and I feel that creating a coaching agreement is one of those important guidelines. It is especially imperative — as other related professions use similar skill sets. Therefore, it would be a mistake to think that just because we listened deeply, mirrored back what our client said, and asked good questions, that those actions alone would constitute a successful coaching session. It would also be erroneous to think that “it’s coaching” as long as our client benefited from the session. People benefit from talking to a good friend, a priest, a rabbi, their therapist, or a social worker. So, to call ourselves professional coaches, we must establish a coaching agreement. It honors and encourages the client’s ability to determine what would be most useful to work on. It gets them to take charge and to be responsible. However, establishing an agreement doesn’t mean that we necessarily must have a “topic” or shoot for specific “results.” Even though we usually do have a coaching topic and shoot for results, a masterful coach can establish an open-ended coaching agreement by simply mirroring what she heard or intuited to be her client’s desire for the session. An example of such an agreement could be: “It sounds as though you’d like to spend our time sharing with me and speaking your mind about this issue. Is that so?”
Copyright © 2012 Marianna Lead All Rights Reserved in All Media
Coaching & Training: Accountability versus Babysitting
Years ago, I had a client who was furious at me –claiming that I didn’t hold her “accountable” and didn’t make sure she took the action steps she was supposed to take. Even back then, I didn’t stand for her attitude –and, basically, we ended up “firing” each other. But, it didn’t feel good at all and I still think about that experience…
Today, I have a very different understanding about what it means to hold our clients accountable. There is a big difference between that and serving as some sort of taskmaster or babysitter. As ICF coaches, we view our clients as “whole, creative and resourceful”. To treat them like children by insistently asking, “Did you do this as you said you would?” is a mistake. Instead, we must simply ask our clients what support, if any, they might need, as well as gently check in – when appropriate – with, “So, how is that coming along?”
I don’t think that our clients are looking for another parent or a babysitter. And, I suspect, the clients who do, may need therapy more than coaching. So, whenever a new coaching prospect starts drilling me on how good I am at holding my clients accountable, a red flag is immediately raised in my mind. That’s just my 2 cents.
Coaching Niches: Leadership Coaching versus Life Coaching
The coaching industry offers many niches. We have life coaching, relationship coaching, communication coaching, leadership coaching, executive coaching, and many more. On the surface it may seem that all these categories offer more clarity for people who are looking for specific results. However, they also create artificial ‘separators’ in our understanding of what coaching actually does.
I believe that coaching serves the whole person and not just a fragmented part of a person — and that all types of coaching include a very personal and intimate conversation about values, ideals, and being authentic. We also talk about relationships and how we communicate with one another, so that we can relate our values and ideals in an authentic way, which many times calls for improving communication skills.
Whether I work with entrepreneurs, business owners, middle managers, or senior executives, after trust is established in our professional relationship, they tend to share other aspects of their lives outside of their careers.
The coaching goal is not to dissect and look at only one narrow aspect. For instance, leadership coaching overlaps with life coaching a great deal. Every person must learn to be a leader in his/her own life — and every leader must lead from the perspective of his/her own sense of authentic values.
We can’t be blind to ways in which all the elements come together in our lives. Coaching is meant to broaden one’s thinking, deepen one’s feelings, and connect the dots in one’s whole life to make sense and bring joy.
Relationship Metaphors in Coaching
I love creating these “situational metaphors” that quickly illustrate particular situations my clients are going through — allowing me to present a different perspective without making them defensive or making me come off as an “expert.”
For instance, one of my clients was holding onto a relationship she knew wasn’t healthy for her, because it was her first serious relationship; her first “grown-up” love.
I said, “It sounds as if though you discovered this great candy store and immediately were attracted to this brightly-colored lollipop — and didn’t get a chance to see the rest of the store, which was full of great, tasty, and much more sophisticated candy. What comes up for you when I say that? ”
Do you have any coaching metaphors you’d like to share?